In the hazy days of yesteryear, it was the simpler things that mattered. Sitting bored in the classroom, listening to Mrs Paterson drone on about remainders and long division, time seemed to stand still. You would gaze at the clock, willing it to tick faster and faster until it reached its goal. With one last heave, the minute hand tocked over and the dullness was interrupted by the short, sharp shrill of the school bell.
Playtime.
Oh, it was good to be free! Most of the time, us boys would be found on the football pitch, trying to emulate Maradona’s mazy runs but failing miserably. Sometimes, if we felt daring, there would be a quick game of Kiss, Cuddle or Torture round the sheds. Dashing round and round, the girls of Primary 5.2 would fly after you, determined to grab a flailing tie or the hood of a neon Campri jacket. You deliberately slowed down so the girl you fancied could catch you and give you a wee thump on your arm. You never chose Kiss or Cuddle. Bleurgh.
Other playground activities included the game of “My dad’s better than your dad,” where you would boast to your fellow classmates that your old man could jump 50 feet or drive like Ayrton Senna. Your dad however, couldn’t leap the length of himself and gingerly guided his Ford Granada around the streets at a pedestrian pace. Your father’s failings didn’t stop you making stuff up though. You just wanted to lie and twist things so you sounded the best.
Those days are long behind us though and you would never find grown men and women indulging in such activities these days.
Or would you?
Boys and girls, now sit up and pay attention. No talking now, Shoosh. Children, today we’re going to be talking about the Scottish Independence Referendum.
On September 18th, I had the misfortune to tune into BBC Scotland’s televised debate marking a year until voting day. The panel of four pupils from two different schools carried on in their usual, bickering manner, only interrupted by Head Teacher Glenn Campbell when things got too shouty.
“You boy! Swinney the Swot! That’s enough squabbling!”
I imagined Mr Campbell shouting in his firm but fair tone, keeping the pupils in check as they continued to argue.
Patrick Harvie, resplendent in his cool kid’s clothes, kicked off the evening with a well placed sound bite about the bankers and drew a large cheer. Annabel Goldie, who has left school and got a big and proper job in the House of Lords, was invited back to debate. Meanwhile Wee Willie Rennie tried to make himself heard but as usual no-one was listening.
Nothing new was really said and nobody mentioned anything that made me consider changing how I will vote.
Back in class, Yes Scotland High School’s Head Boy, “Slippery” Alex Salmond, continues to wail and stamp his feet about not getting to debate with “Creepy Crawler” Cameron, Englandshire’s Top Boy. “Slippery” may whine all he wants but he’s forgetting that David Cameron goes to the private school down the road and doesn’t mix with the commoners .
Across town at the Academy of Better Togetherness, star pupil Alistair “Not Cool Enough To Get A Nickname” Darling also fusses and frets. You see, it is he who wants to debate with Slippery but he keeps being ignored. His followers, the Academy Prefects, goad Yes Scotland with “double standards” taunts. It is ironic, that both schools have fallen below standards in recent exams.
Both Yes Scotland and Better Together are guilty of stating the obvious. The BBC debate was lacklustre and bereft of any real talking points. I suppose it was only the first of many and things may get meatier as we go along. Currently, all we hear is the same old, same old. While one side quotes numbers proving that we would be a nation of superheroes straddling power dragons, the other camp twists the same statistic into an argument proving we would become a nation of street urchins. Who to believe, eh?
And still the bickering continues. Last Saturday Yes Scotland held a rally in Edinburgh and both sides fought about its attendance. The yes camp added numbers to the total faster than a teenage girl adds friends on Facebook and came up with figure of over 30,000. Meanwhile, the Unionists acted like a drunken husband, lying to his wife about how much he had to drink, and kept the numbers low. They opted for the initial police estimate of 8300.
How many people attended? Who cares. If you are a Yes supporter, you got to enjoy a real piece of history and spent a day with like-minded people, cementing your beliefs on top of Calton Hill. However, if you are voting no and care not a jot for attending such a rally and listening to the same people make the same speeches over and over, then it shouldn’t really concern you.
Let’s be honest, the Yes voters have already decided to vote yes and each of the No voters knows they will nose along to a no. With support for Independence hovering around the 30-35% mark, it is the undecideds who will determine the referendum. The floating voters, ripe for the picking, are ready to fall from the tree. But on which side of the fence?
Better Together criticise Salmond and his team for dancing around the issues and using smoke and mirrors to grab votes. On the other hand, Yes Scotland accuse Better Together of fear mongering and scare tactics to sway things their way.
It seems our schooldays are still with us. It’s Jets v Sharks, Oxford v Cambridge. It’s the Jocks and the Geordies.
So, pick up your schoolbags, sharpen those pencils and make sure your homework is neatly done and in on time.
We have less than a year until exam day and there’s still a whole load of lessons to fit in.
